You were born to feel

Healing the woman within – how I came back from the brink and turned grief into gratitude…

Four years ago I had an epiphany; I realised that I was born to serve. After years of searching, I found a profession that would allow me to give back and also grow myself. Something powerful came over me; I knew I’d found my path; a path that saw me teaching others how to dance a collaborative, creative, loving, truthful and purposeful life.

Since then, I’ve been focused on realising that dream. And so I was excited to be invited to audition for my dream job.

I went with an open mind, I knew I was up against some of the world’s best leadership coaches. I packed my bags and traveled to Barcelona to see whether this was to be part of my fate. Would it be given or withheld? For two weeks afterwards I held my breath at the sound of every pinging email!

The eagle finally landed at 8.05pm on 6.7.17. The “not been successful” email was like a bullet to my heart!

What’s the problem, it’s only a job, there will be others I told myself. And while this is true, the grief I was feeling felt significant. Part of me knew that there was a huge gift waiting for me, if only I would be willing to dive deeper into my shadow. Would I be willing to open Pandora’s box to discern what this experience was offering me?

So instead of putting on a brave face, I decided it was time to step back and allow myself to feel.

My shell had been broken and rather than separate from my feelings, I chose to keep moving through the different stages and emotions that were passing through me… Shock, sadness, shame, sickness, disappointment, numbness, anger, love; I let it all in and out. I allowed myself to be exactly where I was at each stage of the journey and in doing so, I was able to heal. I forgave myself for not being chosen and I forgave God for having a will that is wiser than my own. I realised that my self esteem had become attached to my status and that it was important for me to become unattached, and so I began the process of unhooking myself.

I allowed myself to be with the pain of rejection, I witnessed my own transformation. It came to me in a series of images, a bit like a large tapestry that tells historical stories. This time, the story was my life and it covered the past week, the last four years and went all the way back to childhood. I saw who I was and who I’ve become, or perhaps it’s the other way round, as I saw myself as the person I am when I’m laid bare. Pure, vulnerable, real, sensitive, emotional, compassionate and very, very human.

While I would previously hold back, wait and see, and not fully commit to my heart’s longing for fear of being hurt, I saw myself as a woman of deep passion, commitment and emotion! And in doing so, I was able to celebrate this rite of passage; from wallflower to fireflower!

And I’m happy that I did because committing to my dream, feeling my passion and being courageous and vulnerable enough to leap fully in, has taught me more about life than playing it safe ever has.

I was not picked and yet I am happy to be alive, grateful to be human, proud to be me and committed to being an ambassador for love. I realise that I have even more capacity to love, to forgive, to be compassionate because I can apply these noble qualities to myself.

To be broken open is to live with love and choose to give and receive this energy over, and over again… It’s especially important when times are challenging because this is the true test of faith.

Thank you for this gift is the prayer I send back out into the world. Thank you for this chance to fail and shine… Thank you for the deep feelings and emotions that tell me I’m on the right track. Thank you for this time and space, thank you…

If you are still reading this blog, perhaps you are ready to feel and heal? What old stories, limiting beliefs and traumas are you still carrying around with you? Are you ready to let go of these yet?

If your answer is yes, the path to how is to notice where you are right now? Then make a commitment to put aside some time to connect with your feelings, let them go and choose to be truthful with yourself. The reward is inner peace, gratitude and joy because when you are no longer scared of feeling pain, you have a greater capacity to feel everything that life has to offer.

To get you started, here’s my five top ‘feel and heal’ tips:

1. Spend time alone in nature and let the beauty you see touch your heart.

2. Write yourself a love letter that shares your hopes and dreams, as well as your disappointments. And acknowledge yourself for your humanity and who you are today.

3. Listen to music you love and let the vibrations wash over your body. Place one hand on your heart and one on your womb, allow the feelings to wash over you and surrender to what this evokes inside.

4. Find a piece of writing that speaks to you and read it out loud to yourself in a mirror – allow any emotions to come and go.

5. Remember, no feeling is final and it is by letting go that you can make space for more to come.

When you have completed your ‘feel and heal’ ceremony, put your hand on your heart and tune into what’s there. What is present in you right now – allow this feeling to expand and in-joy the power that flows through your body.

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